letters to the editor

Edition 8

I wanted to collate all of the letters I had published in the Sydney Morning Herald over the years. I found 11. Some I had completely forgotten about. 6 of the letters were about sport; 2 were about political/social issues and other 3 were about random inconsequential events. Most are very short (I have found the shorter the letter, the more chance it has of being published).

I know there are others, at last 4 more, that I couldn't find when I searched.

I'm sure the first letter I had published was one I sent in when I was extremely bored one day. I asked why did gymnasts at the Olympics raise their right hand in the air like they were giving a Nazi salute? Was it because Olympics supremo and ex-Franco minister Juan Antonio Samaranch went and watched them every night? I was shocked it was published. I was even more surprised that a stranger rang me to talk about the letter.

There used to be a letters section in the Guide. Somebody wrote in about the South Park episode where the school nurse has a dead fetus attached to her face. The locals went over the top for her, including having a week for the condition she suffers from. The nurse just wants to live her life and when she tells them this, Jimbo (I think) calls her an 'ungrateful bitch'. It was pretty obvious what the point of the episode was (South Park is hardly subtle) and yet somebody wrote in about how the nurse was subjected to ridicule including the 'ungrateful bitch' comment. I wrote in the next week about how it was the locals who were being made fun of. I have a feeling I was a bit narky about the person who wrote the original letter.

The Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles went through a period where they had financial troubles and were having trouble keeping their best players. Rex Mossop complained about this and how the Rugby League body needed to do something about this. I think anybody who follows Rugby League could guess my letter pointed out that I'd never heard Rex complain when Manly plundered South Sydney and Western Suburbs during the 1970's and 1980's.

Shane Warne dropped a catch that would have given Damien Fleming another test hat trick. I wrote in to say that criticism of Warnie was unfair, and that that it was actually Joe the Cameraman who grassed the chance. This is the letter I've been most chuffed about having published because Ron Tandberg drew a cartoon for it. Somebody who is in the know on these things has told me that it was Joe and not Warne who made the sledge about Scott Muller. Just on the sledge of 'Can't bowl, can't throw' I think Muller might have got off easy, considering he was batting at number 11, behind Glenn McGrath. Might have been lucky not to have 'and can't bat either' added to the sledge.

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The letters I could find

It's hard to properly describe how bad the Sultana Bran ad was that had a 'family' destroying 'I Heard It Through The Grapevine'. Anyway this was letter about it tying it with 2004 Federal election. Re the 2004 election, the ALP were never going to win that election when Mark Latham was their leader. In my more paranoid days I wondered if Latham was a CIA/Liberal Party plant in the ALP because surely nobody could cause that much damage unless they were trying to deliberately undermine the ALP. After he lost the leadership I realised that rather than being a plant he was just a jerk with some serious mental health issues.

Cereal killer (15 Sep 04)

I'll give my vote to any party that promises to ban those Kellogs ads where they destroy I Heard it Through the Grapevine.

Alan Lambert, Burwood

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This might have been to letters to the weekend sports section. Channel 9 loves showing the Brisbane Broncos most Friday nights. Often it is the second game shown in Sydney. The commentary of Ben Ikin and Kevin Walters just proved too much for me. I did like the heading the SMH used.

Take a proper gander (07 Apr 07)

Would Channel Nine please ensure the commentary team of Tokyo Rose and Lord Haw-Haw (aka Ben Ikin and Kevin Walters) always does the late game on Friday night?

Alan Lambert, Burwood

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I used to love the Tour de France. I started following during Pedro Delgado's win in 1988. I loved watching it during the 1990's first with Big Mig winning 5 in a row and the watching the Pirate, Marco Pantani including his win in 1998. The came the rise of Lance Armstrong. Now drugs and the Tour have always gone hand in hand. The great Jacques Anquetil, who won 5 Tours, was open about his drug use. But there was something so systematic about Lance's drug taking and his threats of legal action against people who commented on it, that was truly off putting. Lance was gone by the 2006 Tour. Floyd Landis was one of the real favourites that year. He had got into the yellow jersey and was now a clear favourite to win. On a late mountain stage he cracked and lost about 8 minutes to the leaders. Any chance of a podium finish was gone. Then on the next stage, again in the mountains, he destroyed the field, winning the stage by over 7 minutes. It was one of the most exhilarating pieces of sport I had ever seen. To beat the best cyclists in the world so easily, after the events of the previous day was truly remarkable. Landis did well in the time trial the next day and was back in yellow. Then it was announced he had failed drug test following his great stage win. Nowadays I still watch the Tour, but nowhere near to the same extent. The next year Alexander Vinokourov failed a drug test. It inspired this effort.

(Part of) Tour de Farce (27 Jul 07)

What is more predictable? Drug scandals during the Tour de France or a drug scandal involving Lindsay Lohan ("Tour in crisis as Vinokourov fails dope test" and "Oh Lord, Lohan's in a hell of a mess", July 26)?

Alan Lambert Burwood

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 Australia were playing India in 2007/08. India had some wonderful players who I really liked, such as Sachin Tendulkar, VVS Laxman, Rahul Dravid & Anil Kumble. However they also had some players whose on field behaviour was deplorable such as Sreesanth and Harbhajan Singh. Andrew Symonds was part of the Australian team. Symonds had a West Indian background and on a tour of India he was the victim of monkey chants. In the Sydney test match there were a host of bad decisions that seemed to against India. With the atmosphere not good between the teams, Singh had some friendly by play with Brett Lee or maybe it was Glenn McGrath. Symonds said something to Singh about how nobody liked him which included calling him a bastard. Then Singh, according to the Australian players, called Symonds a monkey. Singh was originally penalised for making a racist comment. Then India threatened to go home, and the penalty was reduced. I'm not a fan of the Australian cricket team. I've always found their level of sledging really nasty. But there is no excuse for racism. In the end cricket authorities really let down Andrew Symonds. My letter really made none of these points.

(Part of) Wherever And Whatever The Game, Racism Cannot Be Pardoned (12 Jan 08)

So Sir Edmund Hillary's comment to fellow climbers was: "We knocked the bastard off." Lucky for him Mt Everest is not in India.

Alan Lambert Burwood

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A friend of mine sends in a lot of letters to the SMH that never seem to get published. After he sent in another effort, I wanted to show I could letter published. There was nothing going in I was passionate about. A musical on Shane Warne had just announced it was closing. I knew from past experiences that letters re Shane Warne were a chance of being published.

Joe and mum are spared (22 May 09)

So Shane Warne The Musical is ending its Sydney run early ("Play abandoned: Warnie the musical in off a short run", May 21) thanks to the economic crisis. Others must be relieved they have avoided blame: Joe the cameraman; the Kiwi kid who took the photo of Shane having a ciggie; Shane's mum; and countless women with mobile phones and/or answering machines.

Alan Lambert Burwood

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I avoided managed to avoid all news reports of the Oscar winners. I got home to watch a replay of the Awards on Channel 9, and what do channel 9 do? They show the winners in the ads for their late news. Thanks.

An Oscar spoiler that really hurt (10 Mar 10)

Rather than lambasting the NRL over Channel Seven's new rugby league show, maybe David Gyngell could spare some time to teach his staff about the importance of not spoiling the end of events they are showing. Having successfully avoided finding out the winners of the Academy Awards during the day, I realised The Hurt Locker had won Best Picture when Channel Nine showed the cast celebrating in the ads for their late-night news program.

Alan Lambert Burwood

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I used to work for Centrelink. They really were the epitome of an organisation who were great at paying attention to trivial issues, such as the dress code, with much less emphasis given to training, stress levels, workloads etc. Cityrail (or Sydney Trains) has never been known for their customer service. The Liberal government seemed to think that the customer service problems could be solved by bring in a stricter dress code including punishing staff who didn't shave.

(part of) Grooming shunt on right track (04 Aug 12)

Thank you, CityRail, for a wonderful travelling experience yesterday.

Sure my morning train was late. Again. And then as I waited for my train home at Town Hall station I was bombarded with announcements about using other doors on the train, when the platform was so crowded it was hard to find a space to stand in let alone find space to move anywhere else.

But as I stood there on the train on the way home, I had the warm inner glow that comes from knowing that my train driver didn't have stubble.

Alan Lambert Burwood

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If there's one thing that gets me fired up, it's people taking digs at my beloved Bulldogs. In 2008 the Bulldogs were maybe the second worst team of the modern era, behind only the 1982 Raiders team. The Bulldogs were certainly the worst team of the NRL era (well they were until the truly dreadful 2013 Eels team), winning just 5 of 24 games, conceding 782 points (-349 differential). The Bulldogs got one game away from the Grand Final in 2009. In a preseason guide, Glen Munsie said the Bulldogs had underachieved in 2009...

Played strong (13 Mar 10)

In the preview of the NRL season (''Your club's prospects'', March 8), TAB Sportsbet's Glenn Munsie states that the Bulldogs underachieved last year. This was a side that finished last in 2008 - and not an honourable last, as they were one of the worst sides of the modern era. In 2009 they finished second (it would have been first if not for a diabolical video ref's decision against St George Illawarra and their own stupidity in fielding 14 players for part of the game against Penrith).

The Bulldogs won their first semi, against Newcastle. They then played for a spot in the grand final against the red-hot Eels, and in this game lost their fullback, Luke Patten to injury in the second minute. Bryson Goodwin, also injured, was a passenger for most of the game. They were still within four points of the Eels with less than 10 minutes to go, before going down by 10 points.

Underachieved? It makes me wonder why Munsie and TAB Sportsbet had the Bulldogs at big odds to win the NRL when the season started, rather than as one of the favourites.

Alan Lambert, Burwood

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During a great Ashes test Stuart Broad clearly nicked a ball that was caught. Somehow the umpire missed it. Australia were out of reviews so Broad survived and he went to score some handy runs. England went onto narrowly win the test. The level of complaining by Australians, mainly Australian sports journalists, was amazing. It was continually bought up (and other writers to the SMH made the point) that Broad's action in not walking was the direct opposite of the former Australian wicket keeper Adam Gilchrist. My point is try to name another Australian player who walked? Indeed there were stories that other Australian players hated Gilchrist for doing so, because it made them look bad. Oh and to top the story off, the final out of the match was the Australian wicket keeper Brad Haddin who edged a ball but didn't walk, and was given out on appeal. Australian's complaining about another team not walking is like the French complaining about another country being arrogant,  or the Germans complaining about another country's lack of a sense of humour, or Americans complaining about how other people don't understand irony...

(Part of) Great clashes live on, but it's not cricket as we knew it (16 Jul 13)

During the first Ashes Test there was hand wringing from the Herald's sports journalists about the poor sportsmanship of Stuart Broad in refusing to walk after edging a ball that was caught by Michael Clarke. On the last ball of this magnificent match Brad Haddin got an inside edge to a ball that was caught by Matt Prior. Haddin stood his ground and was initially given not out by a mistaken umpire. I have not read one word criticising Haddin for not walking.

Alan Lambert Burwood

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If you sent in a letter every time that Roy Masters was wrong, you'd be a busy person. In 2013 the perennial semi-final victims the North Queensland Cowboys conceded a 7 tackle try to the Cronulla Sharks. Roy said this was the first time this had happened in a semi-final since 1978. Roy somehow forgot about a 7 tackle try in the 1995 grand final.

Bulldogs had their day (18 Sep 13)

Roy Masters wrote we have to go back to 1978 for the last seventh-tackle tries (''Refs don't know R's from their elbows'', September 16). In fact, Glen Hughes from the Bulldogs scored a try on the seventh tackle in the 1995 grand final. Still it was against Manly so nobody, rightly, cared about that.

Alan Lambert Burwood

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When weekend retail trading was introduced staff received penalty rates for giving up their weekend. Employers like to cut wages of staff. It's probably the easiest way to get a short term boost in profits. In the long term cutting wages for workers is a terrible idea, as the more money people have the more they can spend. I found the proposal to cut weekend penalty rates because weekend trading because it had been successful, just staggering.

(Part of) Abolishing penalty rates may create greater poverty and increased social isolation (05 Jan 15)

So let me get this right. Businesses wanted longer opening hours on the weekend, but the tradeoff was that they had to pay their staff more for having to give up their weekend. Now it's been a success, they want to reduce the pay of their staff because fewer people stay home on the weekend. Brilliant!

Alan Lambert Burwood

In-ger-lund, IN-GER-LUND

If bookmakers had known before the Women's World Cup that in a semi-final, deep into injury time with the scores level, a team would score a spectacular own goal (after creating the better chances during the game), then I'm sure bookmakers would have posted at about 10-1 on to be that team.

For the men's team every 4 years the country has a false sense of belief that this Cup could be the time it all goes right (well apart from 2014 when I think most England fans knew the team were bollocks). Of course it never does. And usually there is a high level of bad luck involved, with England being to the World Cup what Poland is when borders are being redrawn.

Maybe it's karma for Geoff Hurst's second goal in the 1966 World Cup final (although it rarely gets mentioned that the West German equaliser was offside). Maybe it's karma for England exploiting so many other countries through the centuries. Or maybe we just aren't that good at football (nah that can't be it).

Edition 7

England at the World Cup from 1974-2014. A story of heartbreak

I have seen 11 World Cups with England have qualifying for 8 of them, with the best result being a semi-final in 1990. Here's a summary of England's performance with an unlucky rating.

1974: Knocked out in qualifying stages

A three team group of England, Poland & Wales. After an away win in Wales, a home draw vs Wales and away loss vs Poland, England needed to beat Poland in the last game to qualify. It was 1-1 with half an hour to go. England created chances but the Polish goalie Tomaszewski had a blinder.

Summary England were unlucky to have such a good team as Poland in their group (they finished third at the 1974 World Cup). But we didn't win either of our home games. In the game against Poland, Don Revie made his substitution with 2 minutes to go, when he finally bought on Kevin. Alas it was Kevin Hector and not Kevin Keegan.

Unlucky factor: 2.5


1978: Knocked out in the qualifying stages

In a four team group of Italy, Finland & Luxembourg. England and Italy won all their games vs the other two teams and both won 2-0 at home. Italy went through on goal difference. Maybe the crucial game was only beating Finland 2-1 at home.

Summary: England got drawn against a really team (who went onto finish 4th at the 1978 World Cup). We won all our games apart from the game in Italy and went out with a goal difference of +11.

Unlucky factor: 6 (there were a lot worse teams than England who qualified foe the 1978 World Cup).


1982: Knocked out in the second group stage.

From 1974-1982 the World Cup had 2 group stages. In 1974 and 1978 there were no quarter-finals or semi-finals and with the expansion to 24 teams in 1982 after the second group stage were the semi finals.

England won all their games in a group also consisting of France, Czechoslovakia and Kuwait. Then there was a second group stage also consisting of the hosts Spain & West Germany. West Germany had topped their group after the disgrace of their match versus Austria, aka the non-aggression pact of Gijon. The Guardian rated that game as the third most shocking World Cup momentever. It was certainly a tough group, a lot tougher than say France, Austria and Northern Ireland, which France won (a team England had beaten in the group stage).

In the first game of the second stage England drew 0-0 with West Germany. Then West Germany beat Spain 2-1. Then England drew 0-0 with Spain and were out, with Brooking and Keegan coming on a subs and missing great chances.

Summary: Only 6 teams have been knocked out of the World Cup without losing a game (not including losses in penalty shootouts). 4 of those happened in the group stages. The other two were Brazil in 1978 and England in 1982. England had a tough second qualifying with a group with a team who must people suspect fixed their last game in the first qualifying stage. England had chances vs Spain. They also made some bad selections. England were hampered by injuries with Trevor Brooking and Keegan (Keegan was our best player and whilst I wasn't a huge Brooking fan he had been the centre of our midfield for a long time) missed the whole of the tournament apart from the last 27 minutes vs Spain.

After the first group stage a team should have to lose to be knocked out. England went out without ever being beaten

Unlucky factor: 7


1986: Knocked out in the quarter final

England had a terrible start to the 1986 World Cup. A first up loss to Portugal and then a draw with Algeria where Wilkins was sent off and Bryan Robson was injured had England of danger of going out in the group stage. For the game against Poland, Bobby Robson dropped Mark Hately (great decision) and Chris Waddle (not such great a decision) and still didn't start John Barnes. England beat Poland 3-0 (including a Gary Lineker hat trick) in the last group game to ensure qualification.

Paraguay were dispatched 3-0 in the round of 16.

In the quarter-finals were Argentina and Diego Maradona. Maradona scored twice that day to give Argentina a 2 nil lead. The second goal is almost universally regarded as the greatest goal in World Cup history. However the first goal is remembered by more people, because Maradona punched the ball into the net, aka the hand of God. Bobby Robson finally put on Waddle and Barnes. Barnes set up a goal for Lineker and went to close to creating another. However England lost 2-1. Hand of God I like how the commentator misses the blatant handball and thinks England are appealing for offside.

Summary: England ran into arguably the best player of all time (definitely in the top 3). He scored one of the greatest goals ever. And also scored a goal by punching a ball over the goalie. Hard to take going out with one of the goals being due to a terrible refereeing decision, especially when we had a good team.

Unlucky factor: 9


1990: Lost semi final in a penalty shootout.

Again England didn't have a great start to the World Cup drawing vs Ireland and then the Netherlands. After 4 games all 4 teams were on 2 points. England played Egypt in the last game and a second half goal was good enough for the win and qualification.

England changed tactics in the group of 16 game vs Belgium going to a 5 man defence, and in Mark Wright we had a defender capable of playing as a sweeper. Belgium hit the post twice and Barnes had a fair goal disallowed. The game was in the last minute of extra time when David Platt hooked in a Paul Gascoigne free kick.

Next were Cameroon. What a cracking match. England led 1-0 at half time, Roger Milla came on at half time and changed the game. First he got fouled for a penalty, which Cameroon scored from. Then he set up a goal. With 7 minutes left England got a penalty and equalised. England got another penalty in injury time which Lineker again converted (there is some some doubt on the second penalty. If contact is made it might be with Nkono's head, which I think is still a foul but would be unlucky) England penalties vs Cameroon.

The semi-final was vs West Germany. Germany scored first (check out the deflection) and Lineker (who else) equalised goals from West Germany vs England. Off to a penalty shootout. England went first. All 3 teams scored their first 3 penalties. Stuart Pearce had England's 4th penalty and was our best penalty taker. He blasted it almost down the middle. Illgner dived to his right and the ball crashed into his legs. Thon scored his penalty. Waddle missed. England were out.

Summary: Losing a penalty shootout always hurts, a pain England have now know all to well. We might have had some luck early in the tournament, but in the semi-final the German goal was arsey (although when you give away a free kick in that position things like that will happen from time to time) and then went out on a penalty shootout, where the first save was a fluke. An Argentinian team missing 4 players through suspension awaited in the final.

Unlucky factor: 7


1994: Knocked out in the qualifying stages

England were in a group with Netherlands, Norway, Poland, San Marino & Turkey. The top 2 qualified for the World Cup.

The first game was a home game vs Norway that ended 1-1 after England scored first. There were then wins over Turkey, San Marino and Turkey again. Next were the Dutch at home and squandered a 2 goal lead as the game ended 2-2. Then there was an away draw in Poland. So after 6 games we had 3 wins and 3 draws. But 2 of the draws had been home draws against our two biggest threats who both still needed to be played away. Still if England could win one of those games or at least take a point from the Dutch they would be safe.

England were totally outplayed in Norway as they lost 2-0. Then England beat Poland at home.

Then came the crunch game in Rotterdam. Nil all after almost an hour, Andy Sinton hoisted a long hopefully ball forward. Pleat ran onto it, and got in front of Ronald Koeman who pulled him down just outside of the box. At first it looked the ref would give a penalty, but he correctly gave a free kick. Then he only gave Koeman a yellow card. It was a blatant a red card as you are ever going to see, and the referee just bottled it. The subsequent free kick from Tony Dorigo was charged down by Dutch defenders who moved before the ball was kicked. A few minutes later the Dutch got a free kick just outside our box. It was charged down by England defenders who moved before the ball was kicked. This time the ref ordered that it be retaken. And of course they scored. And of course it was Ronald Koeman who scored. A few minutes later England had a free kick and Paul Merson hit the post. And then 5 minutes later the only Beavis impersonator playing international football made it 2-0 to the Dutch. And that's how it finished. the fun starts at about 6:15

Going into the last games England had to hope the Dutch lost in Poland and that they could score 7 goals in San Marino. England did score 7 but the game will best be remembered for this fastest goal scored in a World Cup game. It didn't matter as the Dutch beat Poland.

Summary: England were burdened with our worst ever manager as evidenced by his performance at Euro 92 (the Turnip was worse than the Wally with the brolly); picked too many players who weren't upto international standard (see Palmer, Carlton); and lost home leads against the two main contenders (if England had held our 2 nil lead over the Dutch they would have qualified). However the decision to not send of Ronald Koeman was outrageously bad. It's an automatic red card. Then of course it was Koeman who put the Dutch in front. As it turned out a draw in Rotterdam would have put us through.

Unlucky factor: 5


1998: Knocked out in the round of 16 on penalties.

A first up win over Tunisia followed by a last minute loss to Romania. A draw against Colombia would ensure England qualified for the knock out stage. England won 2-0.

Argentina awaited in the round of 16. Argentina scored from an early penalty. England equalised 5 minutes later from the penalty spot and then took the lead 5 minutes later from a wonderful Michael Owen goal. Argentina equalised on the stroke of half time. Early in the second half Simone went through the back of David Beckham and then trod on him. Beckham flicked his leg in retaliation. It should have been red for Simone (although that depends on if you think Simone deliberately trod on Beckham) and a yellow for Beckham. Instead Kim Nielsen gave Simone yellow and Beckham red. Simone and Beckham.

He-whose-name-can-not-be-spoken-or-even-written headed in to give England the lead. However Nielsen not only disallowed the goal for a 'foul' by Shearer on the Argentinian goalie Roa. To make matters worse with half of the England team off the field celebrating the 'goal' Nielsen allowed Argentina to take a quick free kick from which they almost scored. In extra time Nielsen didn't award a penalty after Chamot handled the ball. This is Nielsen's take on the 2 incidents.

'I disallowed He-whose-name-can-not-be-spoken-or-even-written's goal because Alan Shearer very clearly removed the goalkeeper and the Javier Zanetti handball was not intentional.

A player can't remove his arms before a game, so they have to be somewhere. There were a lot of arms going up and the ball hit the Argentinian player's arm'.

The ball that hit Chamot was played in from 50 yards away. It is the players responsibity to make sure that the ball doesn't hit his arm. When the ball hit his hand, his hand was above his head. Whilst players from every country tend to have their head above their hands when they head the ball, for the second time in 4 World Cups, an Argentinian player decided that it was better to have their hands above their head. It was a clear cut penalty.

The He-whose-name-can-not-be-spoken-or-even-written 'goal' is at about 19:55 and the Chamot handball at 23:20 England vs Argentina

The game went to penalties. Argentina missed their second penalty. Then Paul Ince missed England's second penalty. It got to 4-3 to Argentina. David Batty (why oh why) was sent up to take the penalty that would force it into sudden penalties. Roa saved and it was all over. England could have used Beckham's penalty taking skills (all of course scored against them from the penalty spot 4 years later). 

Summary: Beckham shouldn't have been sent off and Simone probably should have been. England were denied a fair goal and a fair penalty. And then lost in a penalty shootout (when their second best penalty taker had been sent off).

Unlucky factor: 8

2002: Knocked out in the quarter finals

Started off with a 1-1 draw vs Sweden. The crunch game was against Argentina, who were the pre-tournament favourites and had started off with a 1-0 win over Nigeria. England were very good against Argentina and took the lead after Owen was fouled by Mauricio Pochettino (I wonder what happened to him?) and David Beckham scored from the penalty spot. England held on for a great victory. The last group game was against Nigeria who were already knocked out. The game was a stale 0-0 draw. 

Next up were Denmark. England were fantastic and were up 3-0 at half time, which was the final score.

Brazil awaited in the quarter finals. Owen gave England the lead. Rivaldo equalised in injury time at the end of the first half. This goals still irks me. It was a beautiful move from Brazil, however they got the ball when Beckham had to jump out of the way of a dangerous tackle from a player who didn't touch the ball. A player is allowed to take action to avoid a dangerous tackle. It should have been a free kick from England. Ronaldinho then scored from a free kick that sailed over David Seaman that people still argue of it was a cross or a shot. Ronaldinho was then unluckily sent off. It didn't matter as Brazil won 2-1. The Beckham foul as is 3:15 and the Ronaldinho goal is at 5:10 England vs Brazil

Summary: There were 4 stand out teams at this World Cup. Brazil were the clearly the best team. Then there wasn't much difference between England, Spain (knocked out in the quarter finals by South Korea after having 2 fair goals disallowed) and Turkey. England were probably a bit unlucky to draw Brazil so early in the tournament, but they would have needed to have beaten them at some stage. Brazil's first goal shouldn't have been allowed. I don't know if Ronaldinho's free kick was an attempted cross or shot (I think it was a cross). But it doesn't matter, as Seaman should have never been caught out. England got a lucky break when Ronaldinho was sent off, but didn't come particularly come to equalising.

Unlucky factor: 3

2006: Knocked out in the quarter finals in a penalty shootout.

First up was a 1-0 over Paraguay. Next up was what should have been a straight forward game against Trinidad & Tobago. However it was still 0-0 with only 7 minutes left, before England won 2-0. England and then Sweden drew 2-2 in the last group game. 

England beat Ecuador 1-0 in the round of 16 game, thanks to a Beckham goal.

Portugal were next in the quarter finals. Portugal had knocked England out of the Euro 2004 in the quarter finals on a penalty shootout, after He-whose-name-can-not-be-spoken-or-even-written had a latter 'winner' mysteriously disallowed.

The major point of the game was the sending off of Wayne Rooney, but it was the correct decision. England hung on well in hot conditions and the game ended 0-0.

England had some good penalty takes. Frank Lampard & Steven Gerrard although Rooney had stupidly been lost and Beckham got injured during the match. Portugal went first in the penalty shootout and scored. Then Lampard had his penalty saved. Then Portugal missed. Then Owen Hargreaves (we can easily forget what a good player he was. He was tremendous in this game). Portugal missed again. Then Gerrard had his penalty saved. Portugal scored. The Jamie Carragher (yes Jamie Carragher) took England's 4th penalty that was saved. Then Ronaldo put away his penalty and it was all over.

Summary: England weren't particularly in this match per se. The Rooney send off was stupidly self-inflicted. But England didn't lose a game in the World Cup and went out in a penalty shootout (the first team in World Cup history to have 3 penalties saved).

Unlucky factor: 5

2010: Knocked out in the round of 16

England started off with a 1-1 draw with the USA when Clint Dempsey equalised after a Robert Green howler. England were then held 0-0 by Algeria. Then England beat Slovenia thanks to a Jermaine Defoe (he's a Yiddo) goal. It looked that would be would have been enough for them to win the group, apart from that Dempsey scored an injury time winner versus Algeria. That meant that England now played Germany rather than Ghana in the round of 16.

Germany 4 England 1. Germany were much the better team. Germany took a 2 nil lead (the first goal coming from a terrible defensive error). Matthew Upson got one back and then 2 minutes later England were level, sorry should have been level when this Lampard scorcher was not given Lampard goal vs Germany

Despite being outplayed it should have been 2 all, and if England had gone into half-time in that position they would have had all the momentum. Instead they went in deflated about having a fair goal disallowed and they still had to chase the game. England were Mullered in the second half and lost 4-1. Who knows how the game would have panned out if the Lampard goal had of been awarded?

FIFA had been resisting using goal line technology. It was introduced for the 2014 World Cup. To quote Alfredo from Cimena Paradiso 'progress always comes too late'. 

Summary: Not a good England team, Unconvincing in the group stage and their weaknesses cost them winning the group. This led them to play Germany rather than Ghana in the round of 16. Ran into a much better team in Germany. However the better teams don't always win in football. After being 2 nil down, England fought back and should have been level at 2-2. It's hard enough to score goals in football, especially against Germany, without officials robbing teams of goals.

Unlucky factor: 5 (without the Lampard goal it would have been 0)

2014: knocked out in the group stage

Lost to Italy. Then lost to Uruguay and were eliminated. Drew with Costa Rica.

Summary: Terrible. Worst England team at a World Cup finals and maybe the worst England team in modern times, Got what they deserved.

Unlucky factor: 0

Would you I hold it against you? I certainly would

Not much of an intro to this one. The Liberals remained in power in NSW. Australia won the one day Cricket World Cup. And we wondered about what can be done when a pilot decides they want to crash the plane they are flying and the nature of mental illnesses that would lead to a person making that decision. Anyway none of these are covered in this.

In this edition:

- Forgetting The First Rule Of Pop Music
- Kerr's Cur


Forgetting The First Rule Of Pop Music

Mrs L was playing some Britney Spears in the car the other day and she played a song called 'Hold It Against Me'. My first thought was it had fairly blatantly ripped off the lyrics to the Bellamy Brothers song 'If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me'.

My second thought was how obviously sexual the song was. I then realised that the I had never picked up on the same double meaning in the Bellamy Brothers song.

Only took me 36 years to figure it out what the Bellamy Brothers were really on about.


Kerr's Cur

It's been just over a week since the passing of Malcolm Fraser.

In the years I've lived in Australia, there have been 3 Prime Ministers from the Liberal Party and all 3 of them have been intensely disliked by hardcore Labor supporters. Of the 3, I think the most hated was Malcolm Fraser. Of course the hatred centres around on the events of 1975 and the dismissal of Gough Whitlam.

I'll remember him as the Prime Minister who said 'life wasn't meant to be easy' without seeming to grasp it was his job to at least make life easier for Australian. Also as Prime Minister he failed to make the changes to the economy that were needed. It was the subsequent Labor Party that bought in the compulsory superannuation scheme, floated the dollar, dramatically cut tariffs and bought in a period of industrial reform and peace (although I think the changes went to far and ended up gutting the union movement in Australia).

My lasting memory of him as Prime Minister was on the day he conceded defeat after the 1983 election, with him blubbering away. It was quite pathetic and I remember having a laugh. For those of who didn't like him, it was good to see him struggling when he finally got his comeuppance.

Everything had gone wrong for Fraser during that campaign. He had wanted to run against Bill Hayden whom he had beaten in the 1980 election. He knew he'd be in trouble of Labor replaced Hayden with Bob Hawke. As Fraser was driving to see the Governor-General to ask to be allowed to call an early election, unbeknown to Fraser, Labor replaced Hayden with Hawke. Fraser attempted to start a scare campaign about how people's savings wouldn't be safe in the bank if Labor was office, and they'd be better off keeping it under the bed. Hawke dismissed the notion with 'you can't keep your money under the bed because that's were all the Commies are'. It seemed at encapsulate how out of touch Fraser was and that he had none of the panache of Hawke.

In the mid 1980s he became a figure of fun when he was found with no trousers in a seedy Memphis hotel, which became funnier when he claimed he had been given a Mickey Finn.

As politics in Australia, like in most of the Western world moved to the right during the late 1970s and 1980s, Fraser seemed to buck the trend. In the mid 1980s Fraser helped establish CARE Australia. For quite a while he was the face of the organisation as well as holding senior positions with them. Also Fraser took a position re refugees that were popular with hardcore Labor party supporters and unpopular with hardcore Liberal supporters.

At Gough Whitlam's funeral the animosity between John Howard and Fraser was such that like Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard , as well as Bob Hawke and Paul Keating, steps were taken to keep them apart. Fraser was also a strident critic of Tony Abbott. It got to the stage where Fraser was more popular with Labor supporters than he was with Liberal supporters. Following his passing it has been reported that a number of Liberal figures would not comment on his passing, apart from they would not speak ill of the dead.

Many years ago I saw a documentary on the UK mining strikes. There was a small piece on a village that had 2 pubs. Apparently neither pub would let in a bloke who hadn't gone on strike about 50 years earlier. Now that is seriously holding a grudge.

I'm a fan of grudges. I've refused to buy Nestle for over 30 years. I once went 18 months of not watching Channel 7 because they showed Red Dawn (thinking about that was probably a bit ridiculous, although Channel 7 didn't have many shows worth watching back then...so some things never change). And I've held grudges (actually I still do) against people I think have wronged me for very long periods.

I'm not a great believer in conspiracy theories, but I'm convinced that the US government orchestrated the overthrow of the Whitlam government. I'll attach an interview between Ray Martin and Christopher Boyce from 1982 here.

As it was Fraser crushed Whitlam at the subsequent 1975 election before beating him even more comprehensively in 1977. He defeated Hayden in 1980. If Fraser had waited, he would have beaten Whitlam in the 1977 election. However Fraser couldn't wait 18 months and let his ego and lust for power get so out of control, that with the aid of the tainted Senate (after 2 conservative premiers did not replace outgoing Labor senators with Labor senators) and 'Our Man Kerr' he plotted the dismissal of the democratically elected government of Australia.

Looking back on the Fraser government they didn't have the nasty right wing edge that the Howard did and the Abbott government does have. And certainly he should be given credit for what he did with CARE and for speaking up about our treatment of asylum seekers.

However Fraser either conspired with a foreign government or unwittingly did their work, to remove the democratically elected government of Australia. Apparently Whitlam forgave Fraser for the events of 1975. I haven't. And the good work he did after he left office, nowhere near makes up for what he did in 1975.

COYS!

This week I bought tickets to see Spurs when they come to Sydney in May and this week we'll find out if we got tickets to see Morrissey when he plays at the Sydney Opera House in the same week. I've loved Spurs since I was about 6. And I do mean love. I still spend a fair chunk of may day reading or thinking about Spurs. At about 20, I was put onto the Smiths & Morrissey. I doubt I'll find another songwriter who songs resonated so much with me. I don't quite feel the same connection any more (which I think is a good thing), but I'm still excited at the thought of seeing him again. I'm hoping we don't get tickets for his Saturday performance, because when it comes choosing between Spurs and Morrissey it's a bit of a mismatch. COYS!

In this edition

- Sheila Take A Bow
- Barbarism Begins At Home
- I Started Something I Couldn't Finish
- Milton Keynes Here We Come


Sheila Take A Bow

There is a quote from Bob Hawke about no matter what the ALP does, they'll always win seats around Newcastle. I wish I could find the actual quote to give justice to what a stronghold Newcastle is of the ALP.

 The Labor Party had won Newcastle at every election since 1927, except for in 1988 when an independent won the seat. Anyway when the ALP was annihilated by the Coalition at the 2011 NSW state election, Jodi McKay lost the seat.

Jodi was done in by being part of the worst NSW state government since the Rum rebellion and by a dirty tricks campaign after she stood upto boganaire Nathan Tinkler when she opposed a plan for a coal loader that Tinkler supported. And to make it worse some of her own colleagues were also part of the campaign to get rid of her. here

Jodi will stand for the ALP at the next state election, in my seat of Strathfield.  It's hard not to admire her for standing upto what was right and we could certainly do with some more people in government who make sensible decisions re developments.

I bumped into her today. I spoke to her about what had happened with Tinkler and Eric Roozendaal and asked her even if I admired her, how could we trust having another ALP government so soon after having such a bad and corrupt ALP government?

Jodi took the time to speak to me and about how painful it was to find out that her own colleagues conspired against her and how she didn't know for sure they had until the ICAC hearing. She also said if she wasn't convinced those corrupt elements had been removed from the ALP she wouldn't be running.

I'm glad that Jodi McKay is running for Strathfield. We could use somebody on Burwood Council who took a sensible approach to developments. It leaves me in a quandary because I like Jodi, but I'm not sure I have enough confidence in the NSW ALP to give them my vote again. Not yet anyway.


Barbarism Begins At Home

Earlier this week said 'Australians are sick of being lectured by the United Nations'. He was speaking of about a UN report that was critical of Australia's treatment of asylum seekers.

Good to know our PM has so little time for the UN. In 2013 & 2014 Australia was part of the UN Security Council.

Any Tony not all Australians are upset about reporting on Australia's treatment of asylum seekers.


I Started Something I Couldn't Finish

I have a problem that so often I book to do two things on one day, and just don't make the connection that I have done so. For weeks I have known that this Friday that a Wanderers game will clash with a Bulldogs game. I had chosen the Bulldogs game vs the Eels as the game I'd see. I also knew I had tickets to see England vs Afghanistan at the one day cricket world cup for this Friday. But for some reason I hadn't put together that there was a clash. Up until yesterday I was still planning on going to both.

Anyway I'll be going to see England vs Afghanistan even though the game is a dead rubber with both teams having no chance of making the quarter finals. Still it would be good to see an impoverished nation with such serious social problems, trying to master a sport that they haven't shown much talent for playing in the past. It will also be good to see Afghanistan play.


Milton Keynes Here We Come

Last Friday Spurs announced that they are coming to Sydney at the end of May.

It's been a big few weeks for the team I support. In bad news we lost the League Cup final (is it now called the Capital One Cup?) to Chelsea. In good news Spurs won a court case that means the building of a new stadium is one step closer (it could even by the final legal obstacle).

Spurs have bought all of the surrounding properties needed to build the new stadium. Bar one. Anyway they got a government compulsory purchase order for the property, but the company involved took them to court (and lost). I'm not sure why Spurs didn't just build around the property, sort of like you see from time to time in China, where some poor family's house ends up being right in the middle of a freeway. Some people might say that you can't really have an immovable structure in the middle of your field. However, we had Tom Huddlestone in the centre of our midfield for years, and really there wouldn't have been much of a difference.

Anyway it leaves Spurs in a quandary as to where to play whilst the ground is being built during the 2017/18 season. There has been some talk of playing at the Olympic Stadium or the Boleyn Ground or Wembley. All have problems that might mean that we can't play at them. It looks like the current favourite is the ground of the Milton Keynes Dons. There are some serious drawbacks to this plan. Their ground only holds about 30,000 people. It's over 50 miles from Tottenham to Milton Keynes, which with English traffic means it will take about 2 & 1/2 days to get to. And it's Milton Fucking Keynes!!!

Anyway there is another ground in London that has the capacity more in line with the level of our fan base. The team who plays there really owes a solid after we let them at our ground for six seasons during World War II. And their ground is only 4 miles from White Hart Lane. Of course I'm talking about the Emirates, the home ground of the Woolwich Wanderers aka Arsenal.

And despite all of these good points, it will not happen. And further we shouldn't inquire about the possibility of playing there. And if we did this would go down disastrously with our fans.

Spurs are currently running a fan poll for the best Spurs XI of all time. Defence has never been our strong suit. The 4 defenders I voted for were Steve Perryman (1 cap for England), Ledley King (21 caps for England), Mike England (44 caps for Wales) and Cyril Knowles(4 caps for England and one cracking song about him). Anyway all very good players, but they were hardly the British defenders of their generation even allowing for the fact that Perryman was terribly overlooked by English managers and if only Ledley had of had better knees he would have gone down as being one of the best defenders England had produced.

There were 12 candidates for the poll. Missing was a player who at one stage had been our club captain, and was captain when we won the 1999 League Cup final. He also  made 73 appearances for England and was widely regarded as being one of the best defenders in world football for a considerable period. It was no oversight that Sol Campbell's name was left of the list, for Sol left Spurs to join Arsenal. I'll leave that story for another day, but it's fair to say it didn't go down well with Spurs fan, most of whom still haven't forgiven him (also a lot of fans came to the conclusion that he is gay about the same time he signed for Arsenal).

Anyway it's good to be a  Spurs fan at the moment. We have a good young side, a new stadium looks likely and we're coming to Sydney. Now if we could only finish above Arsenal.

Mind The Gap

After a one week absence our Prime Minister makes a reappearance. There was a problem for Tony during the week. But story that will be forgotten about soon and let's not speak about it anyway, especially you Bill Shorten. And anyway we shouldn't have that problem in a years time, because Tony has promised us that a good government is coming.


Edition 4

- Cosmo Abbott
- It's French For Yogurt
- The Sledging Of Joyce Mayne By The Coward Alan Lambert


Cosmo Abbott

There's an episode of Seinfeld where Kathy Griffin's character starts tells unflattering stories about Jerry in her show, much to Jerry's annoyance. In the same episode Kramer takes a vow of silence, which he breaks to tell Kathy more stories about Jerry. When Jerry realises the betrayal, Kramer reaffirms his vow of silence with '...All right...starting now'.

Last week Tony Abbott said 'Good government starts today'. He's been in power for about 18 months.

Later in the week the annual Closing The Gap Report, a strategy aimed at reducing Indigenous disadvantage, was tabled in the Australian parliament. Of the 6 initiatives there was improvements in 2, infant mortality rates and indigenous children finishing high school. It's fair to say the rest didn't make good reading. The gaps in life expectancy and health have barely moved. The rate of suicide is 4-5 times higher than in the wider community. There has been little improvements in literacy and numeracy rates.

During the speeches in the parliament re the Report, 6 government members walked out. Apparently those who walked did so not because they were embarrassed about the fact that we have a large part of our population who suffer such major disadvantages compared to the rest of country. Instead they were appalled that Bill Shorten', the Opposition leader, showed a lack of bipartisan support towards our treatment of the indigenous population, when he questioned the role that over $500 million in spending cuts to certain indigenous programs might played in the poor results.

But it's ok. I'm sure next years report will make for better reading because Tony has promised us good government...all right...starting now!


It's French For Yogurt

Apparently the British accent was recently voted the sexiest accent in the world. The rest of the top 5, in order were: American; Irish; Australian; and French.

But what exactly is a British accent? Welsh? Upper class London? East London? Glaswegian? Scouse? Brummie? Surely not Brummie!

For as things stand it means that this

And this

Are sexier than this

Sacre Bleu!


The Sledging Of Joyce Mayne By The Coward Alan Lambert

During a bike ride on the weekend the name of Joyce Mayne got mentioned. For those to young remember, or who don't live in Australia, she ran a chain of electrical stores from the late 1970s to the mid 1990s, until they became part of the Harvey Norman chain. I found an article today that said she did own the stores, I always thought she was just an advertising front for the real owner, say like Peter Wynn is for Peter Wynn's Score.

Part of the reason why I thought she didn't really own them, was because Joyce lived in apartment in North Parramatta, just behind where we lived. It was hardly a salubrious neighbourhood. One day when I was about 13, she walked past the laundromat where I was playing a sit down Space Invaders machine. There were about a dozen of us there and when Joyce walked past, in unison we shouted a line from one of her ads, 'Get lost Jeeves'. We thought it was very funny.

Anyway Joyce didn't take kindly to this. For some reason I got targeted and she asked me my name. Like the coward I was I replied 'I don't know'. Anyway she told us that rudeness like this was why her friend and then top Sydney jockey, didn't talk to strangers.

I know I'm not such a coward now. Years ago when I worked at Centrelink, during a telephone conversation with a manager I gave him a rather blunt assessment of his performance. At some point he told me that I was a coward and wouldn't have the courage to say that with other people around. So as we spoke I typed up what I had said and emailed it to him (thinking about that now, that might have been more stupid than brave).

Whilst I'm braver with strangers or people I don't know very well or Centrelink managers, something else happened on the ride that affirmed that I'm still a coward when dealing with family, or friends or work colleagues who have done something out of line.

When searching for info on Joyce I came across this Joyce Mayne. You need to go about half way down for the bit about her. It has a mention of a book, Joycie's Winning Ways, that I remembered that she had published about gambling and how winning was all in the stars. I don't think it sold very well.

Here's Looking At You, Harry Kane

Here's Looking At You, Harry Kane

Edition 3

- Wouldn't It Be Nice To Get On With Your Neighbours
- You Must Remember This
- Maybe Even More Than 50 Shades
- If There's One Thing That Annoys Me...


Wouldn't It Be Nice To Get On With Your Neighbours

A few years ago I went a Spurs friendly with my uncle and a couple of other people. My uncle is an intelligent man and is more of a football fan than a Spurs fan. When the chant of 'Stand up if you hate Arsenal' started up he proclaimed 'why do you have to hate Arsenal to support Spurs'? I didn't stand up.

My Dad used to be a Spurs fan who went to the famous last game of the 1970/71 between Tottenham & Arsenal at White Hart Lane, although apparently he didn't get in. He tells me now that he likes Arsenal, and I don't know if he really likes them or if he is just trying to wind me up. Last year I went to my first football game with my Dad in over 30 years, a preseason friendly between Cambridge United & Tottenham. When the 'stand up if you hate Arsenal' chant started, I made him stand up. I hoped the next time he thought about smiling about an Arsenal victory, he might remember his declaration that he hated them. 

I didn't always hate Arsenal. At the school I went to in North London, there were a load of Gooners, almost as many as Spurs fans. Arsenal fans in England are largely people like me and those in my family who support Spurs, albiet they are probably more nicer suburbs of London. On the other hand Arsenal fans I have come across in Australia, and mainly through the internet, are the pits (although the anonymity that the net provides often brings out the worst in people).  

Growing up even though Arsenal were more successful than Spurs, they were known as boring, boring Arsenal and they had the reputation of grinding out one-nil wins. On the other hand, whilst Spurs were thought of as being a bit soft, they were known for playing attractive football.

Then just as the Premier League was starting we got bought by Alan Sugar. Not only didn't he like football I think it was clear he didn't understand football or how it was changing. As money started to flood into English football and teams like Arsenal & Chelsea bought top foreign players like Dennis Bergkamp and Gianfranco Zola for about 5 million pounds, Sugar's distrust of 'Carlos Kickerballs', as he called foreign players, meant instead we paid about 4 million pounds for the likes of Chris Armstrong & Ruel Fox. And then in the mid 1990s the Gooners got Arsene Wenger as their manager. Now they were not only winning things they were playing attractive football, whilst we not only struggled but also played dull & boring football. That was a miserable decade.

As I got older I learned more about the history of both clubs. Without getting into all of the details if the clubs were school houses at Hogwarts, Spurs would be Gryffindor & Arsenal would be Slytherin. Well that's how I see it. Anyway what had gone from a mild dislike of Arsenal has turned into a hatred of them.

Last Saturday night, our time, was the latest chapter in the rivalry. I hate calling it the North London derby, because I like to refer to Arsenal as a south London team and the Woolwich Wanderers as they moved to North London in 1913. And a load of us Spurs fans still hate them for it.

I had to decide watching the game as pub in town with fellow Spurs fans or watching at home. I would have loved to have watched it with fellow Spurs fans as cheering with other fans when we score is a such a wonderful feeling. Football clubs are like a defacto family to so many, and it's just a great feeling to share a great moment with other people who feel as passionately as you do. On the other hand a trip home if we lost and then bumping into some Gooners would have been unbearable. As it turned other factors came into play which meant I had to watch at home.

As for the game Spurs won 2-1 and played very well. For maybe the first time ever Arsene Wenger said we deserved to win (he once claimed they were the better team on a night we beat then 5-1). Bragging rights have been claimed and have been well used. Local-boy-turned-good Harry Kane scored twice, and a player who 18 months ago was copping a load of flak from a lot of Spurs fans, is now as popular as Harry Styles is with 1D fans. 

All is good in the world. Even the Spurs fan who complain incessantly on the Spurs groups I'm part of are happy. I wish we weren't playing for a couple of weeks so we could hold onto this feeling for a bit longer. But we play Liverpool in the morning and a loss with bring out the usual suspects complaining about chairman Daniel Levy but at least we'll always have last Saturday.

You Must Remember This

I got to see most of Casablanca again on the weekend. I missed Bill Collins introduction, which I would have enjoyed seeing. As for Bill, I can't ever remember him as a young man and he's looking especially old now. Still it's good to see him on TV again.

I think there should be a rule that no love story movie should be allowed to run over 102 minutes, because that is how long Casablanca ran for, And the chance of any movie being better than Casablanca, is about as likely as Rob Schneider ever winning the Oscar for best actor..

My 5 favourite quotes from Casablanca: 

5.

Rick: And remember, this gun is pointed right at your heart

Captain Renault: That is my least vulnerable spot

4. 

Annina: Monsieur Rick, what kind of man is Captain Renault?

Rick: Oh, he's like any other man, only more so.

3.

Captain Renault: What in heaven's name bought you to Casablanca?

Rick: My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters

Captain Renault: The waters? What waters? We're in the desert!

Rick: I was misinformed.

2.

Rick: I remember every detail. The German's wore grey, you wore blue.

1.

Rick: We'll always have Paris.

Maybe Even More Than 50 Shades

Talking of great love stories, 50 Shades of Grey opens next week. I opened with a putdown for a reason.

I went to dinner for a friends birthday during the week, at which the Lisa Thatcher, blogger/movie critic/women's romance/erotic novelist was also present (I really should have asked for some tips about writing a blog). Anyway Lisa gave a very interesting and funny defence of 50 Shades from a leftist/women's right perspective. Lisa asserted that, sure, it is badly written, but for any 'fantasy' book to be successful there has to be an obvious disconnect between the story and reality. Also 50 Shades has been vilified & ridiculed to an extent that badly written books or bad movies that are aimed at men are not, such as the James Bond movies, the Hangover series or 300.

Anyway I thought it was a thought provoking conversation. I'll give a link to Lisa's blog and her article on why she is looking forward to seeing the movie.

http://lisathatcher.com/2015/02/05/why-i-cant-wait-to-see-50-shades-of-grey-article/


And for those who haven't read the book and don't plan to see the movie, here is the condensed version of 50 Shades that gave me a chuckle

http://www.theguardian.com/books/2012/apr/29/fifty-shades-grey-digested-read





If There's One Thing That Annoys Me...

My belief that tasers should be inserted into the self-serve checkouts at supermarkets increased during the week. My idea is that people who take too long get a shock as a penalty. They would continue to get shocks the longer they take, with the voltage increasing. Also everybody would have to swipe the reward card before using the self-serve, so that past offenders can be identified and be dealt with harshly if they again stuff up. I think those people who annoy me by taking too long, would soon get the message that maybe they should be using the cashiers.

I also think a tasers should be incorporated into mobile phones, and activated on owners who walk incredibly slowly along busy streets/paths as they read their phone. Those people who get in others way, as they stand obliviously on busy streets reading their phones, would get even bigger shocks. 
I think I'll write to Woolies, Coles, Apple & Samung with my idea. Taking a leaf out of Ab Simpson's book, I'll finish my letter with 'P.s. I'm not a crackpot'.